


The Sorting of M*A*S*H

by TheGryffindorBookworm



Series: MASH at Hogwarts [2]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Gen, Gryffindor, Hogwarts!au, Hufflepuff, Sortings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-06-23 15:23:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15609219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGryffindorBookworm/pseuds/TheGryffindorBookworm
Summary: Thanks to @BloodstainedRazorBlade for being my beta, and to @onekisstotakewithme and @flootzavut for the inspriration over at M*A*S*H discord.





	1. The Sorting of Benjamin “Hawkeye” Pierce

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to @BloodstainedRazorBlade for being my beta, and to @onekisstotakewithme and @flootzavut for the inspriration over at M*A*S*H discord.

"Pierce, Benjamin!" rang out through the almost silent hall as the stern-looking witch called his name. He could have sworn his legs turned to jelly as he realized it was his turn. He'd seen every kid before him go up to the stool looking scared to death and relax as soon as the hat called out a house. 

Some looked happier with the hat's choice than others, but Hawk supposed not everyone could be sorted into the house they wanted. That Burns kid who picked on his new friend BJ on the train had been sorted into Slytherin, and Hawk knew he didn’t want to share a dorm with "Ferret Face" as he and BJ had nicknamed him. Speaking of BJ, Hawk thought he would be pretty happy in Hufflepuff if the hat put him there. He thought about all this in the eternity it took him to reach the stool and have the hat placed on his head. 

"Well, what do we have here?" the hat said. "Benjamin, I think I'll put you-"

"It's Hawkeye. Call me Hawkeye." 

"Hawkeye, you're obviously not afraid to say what's on your mind," the hat said. It sounded amused. "Slytherin might be a good fit for you, but based on the feelings I get from you, you might tear me apart if I put you there. You are very intelligent, but not the studious type. Not Ravenclaw." 

"So which is it?"

"Which is what?" 

"Which house am I? Gryffindor or Hufflepuff?" 

"If you're that impatient to know, better be.... GRYFFINDOR!" 

As Hawk walked to the Gryffindor table he caught BJ's eye from across the hall. BJ smiled at him and gave a nod. They hadn't known each other long, but Hawk knew it meant "Good job, and I'll see you tomorrow." 

Hawk sat down beside a girl with platinum blonde hair (her name was Marge or something like that.), and told her the best joke he knew. She gave him a look that said she didn't think it was funny, but he saw the corner of her mouth quirk upward with a barely contained smile.


	2. The Sorting of Margaret Houlihan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really short. I wish it were longer, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

“Houlihan, Margaret!” Professor McGonagall called. Margaret stepped toward the stool and hat with determination. Time seemed to slow down and all she could think of was her father’s words before she got on the train. “Make our family proud, Margaret. We’re counting on you.” Her father was a very well-known and well-respected auror. Her family was revered in the Wizarding community. She knew she must not let them down- must not let her father down. As she sat on the stool, the hat was placed on her head, and it fell over her eyes. She could see nothing, but she could hear the hat’s voice. 

“Well, another Houlihan!” The hat’s voice echoed in her mind. “You have heavy expectations on your shoulders, Margaret. I see great intelligence, loyalty, and ambition. Yes, great loyalty and much ambition” 

“So, not Ravenclaw, then?” 

“I never said that. I see that what you really want is to make your father proud. You think that putting you in Gryffindor will get you that.” 

“If you’re not putting me in Gryffindor just tell me. I can take it.” 

“Brave. Being a Gryffindor is not the only way to make your father proud, but I think you belong there anyway...GRYFFINDOR!” 

The hat was lifted, Margaret could see again. A feeling of pride welled up in her heart. She was a Gryffindor, just like her father wanted. Even better, she really belonged there. She sat down at the table full of students in red and gold and felt peace for the first time all day.


	3. The Sorting of Walter "Radar" O'Reilly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Radar and his classmates come to Hogwarts a couple years after Hawk, Beej, Peggy, and Margaret. 
> 
> For Prairie Dawn, because she loves Radar.

Walter was a nervous wreck. That may have been an understatement, but he doesn't really care. He was on the Hogwarts Express. He'd just left his car for a minute to buy a snack from the trolley. He'd just started to head back to his seat when he'd come face to face with a larger student. The stranger had a sneer on his face and Walter knew that this kid meant trouble. 

"What are you looking at, Four Eyes?" the mean-looking kid grumbled at him. At the very same moment Walter blurted out "Nothing!" Walter had a habit of answering people's questions just as they were asking them. 

"Well," said the kid "That's what I thought!" The walkway seemed to be empty as Walter was backed against a wall. 

Just then, a door opened and a much older student stepped out. He seemed to be about to tell off the mean kid, but before he could get any more than a syllable out he stubbed his toe on the compartment door. To his credit, he recovered quickly and proceeded to tell off the kid. 

"Hey, Burns! Leave the kid alone!" Walter was suddenly very grateful for the kind, although clumsy, stranger. 

"What are you gonna do about it, Blake?" Burns sneered at him. 

"Well, I could tell Professor McGonnagall that you're harassing first years again. I'm sure she'll be happy to deduct house points. I don't think the rest of Slytherin house would be too happy with you if you lost them points before the year even starts." Blake said with a hint of a threat in his voice. 

"YOU wouldn't!" Burns said in a voice that sounded like a roar and a squeak at the same time. 

"Go on, Frank, before I have to report you again." Blake said. Frank huffed and slinked off.  
"If you keep up that kind of behavior, you'll never make prefect!" Blake called after him. "Well, at least he's gone. You alright, kid?" all Walter could do was nod. 

"Do you answer people's questions before they can ask them often?" Blake asked at the same time as Walter said "Yeah, but not on purpose." At that, the older kid laughed. 

"What's your name, kid?" Blake asked. 

"Walter, but my Uncle Ed calls me Radar ‘cause I know things before they happen sometimes." Radar answered. 

"I'm Henry." he said and held out his hand to Radar. Radar accepted the handshake. As they began to fall into a semi-awkward silence, Henry spoke up. 

"Radar, Can I call you Radar? Where's your seat? I'll walk you back." Something about Henry put Walter at ease. 

"It's-it's not very far that way" Radar replied and began walking. Henry followed and struck up a fairly one-sided conversation, but before Radar knew it, he was smiling and laughing. Henry had a way about relaxing people. They were almost at his compartment when Radar bent down to pick up a toad. 

“Hang on a second, Henry.” Radar said as he knocked on the door of the nearest compartment. When the door opened, Radar held up the toad. “Is anyone here missing a toad? I found him in front of the door.” A girl got up to retrieve the toad and gave Radar a nod of thanks. “There you go, buddy. Don’t wander off again.” He said to the toad. 

“You ready?” Henry asked. Radar smiled slightly and nodded. They made it to his compartment without any more disturbance. Henry turned and looked at Radar earnestly. 

"Hey Radar, I want you to know you can tell me if he messes with you again. Or if anyone else does too." Henry said as he clapped Radar on the shoulder. "I'm in Hufflepuff. If you don't know where to find me, just ask Professor Sprout. She's usually in the greenhouses." Henry turned to walk away. He turned back a second later to give Radar a thumbs-up, but bumped into a door, looked suddenly sheepish, and walked away a little faster. 

The rest of the trip went smoothly. Radar made it back to his seat and passed the time talking to kids in his compartment and eating the snacks he'd bought. As he gazed out the window, he thought of how drastically his life had changed in just a few weeks. a woman in odd clothes came to their farm and told Radar he was a wizard and that he'd been accepted into one of the most prestigious schools of magic in the world. He hadn't even applied! The woman, who had introduced herself as Professor McGonnagall, took he and his Ma to Diagon Alley to shop for Walter's school supplies. Now he was here, on a magic train bound for a magic school, where he'd be taught MAGIC! 

His thoughts were interrupted as the train came to a stop. He and the other first years followed an impossibly tall man named Hagrid to some boats that took them across the lake. Hagrid told them they'd be able to see the school in a moment. Suddenly, the trees cleared and gave way to a castle that rose high above the lake. 

"Welcome to Hogwarts!" Hagrid said with a twinkle of amusement in his eye. Radar could tell he did this every year and that he loved this part of his job. The outline of the castle was visible against the starlit night sky. Windows of candlelit rooms did little to illuminate the castle, but Radar thought it was one of the most beautiful, and one of the most terrifying, things he'd ever seen. 

They made it inside and listened to McGonnagall's speech about the houses, house points, the house cup, and how they would be sorted. She led them into the Great Hall all the way down to the front. She sat up a stool with an old, ragged hat on it. Suddenly, the hat burst into song, and Radar felt the distinct urge to run away from it. One of the most certain things Radar knew about life is that hats are not supposed to sing. When its song was done, McGonnagall began to call up students to put on the hat and be sorted. She had just called up "Nakahara, Kellye" so Radar knew he might be next. 

"Hufflepuff!" the hat yelled after a minute or two of debating with her. No one else seemed to care what the hat was saying to the people wearing it. At McGonnagall's next words, Radar froze. 

"O'Reilly, Walter!" Radar almost didn't move, but a nice girl named Honoria who he'd talked to on the train nudged him. 

"G-g-g-go on!" she whispered. Radar smiled at her and began the trek to the stool. It was only a few seconds, but Radar could have sworn it took ten minutes. He sat on the stool and saw Henry waving at him from Hufflepuff's table before the hat fell over his eyes. 

"You sure like to argue." Radar said. 

"Why do you say that?" the hat replied. 

"Because I've heard you argue with everybody else. I hope you picked the right house for them." Radar replied. 

"Hmm," the hat spoke, "Very interesting. I believe you are special, Radar. Use your talents wisely.” 

"Um, well, are you gonna sort me or are we gonna sit here all day?" Radar replied. He was taken aback by the hat calling him special. 

"Right, let's see." the hat said thoughtfully, "Quite resourceful and intelligent. Slytherin might be a fit." Radar paled at that. He wanted to stay as far away from that Burns kid as he could. 

"I'd rather not be in Slytherin." Radar said a bit sheepishly. 

"Of course," said the hat, "You want to stay away from him." 

"Nothing against Slytherin!" Radar interjected, "I just, well I..."

"Not a problem!" The hat said. "I wouldn't tell anyone even if it were." At this, Radar was a little relieved. 

"Well, Walter, I've looked in your head, and what will serve you best is your heart and your intuition. Listen to them both, and they will rarely lead you wrong." the hat advised. "To you, fairness is important. Compassion is even more important. You'd never let a friend down. That is why I'm putting you in..." Radar could hardly stand the suspense of the half second before the hat said...

"Hufflepuff!" the hat was pulled off his head, and he stumbled his way to the Hufflepuff table. His legs led him to a seat next to Henry. 

"Way to go, kid!" Henry said as he clapped Radar on the back. Radar barely took in everything Henry was saying besides the names of all the people he was introducing him to. The people seemed nice and he shook so many hands that he lost count. Henry noticed Radar seemed a little out of it

"Radar, you okay?" Henry asked. 

"Yeah," Radar replied, "It's just, this can't be real. It just can't! A week or two ago, none of this was real, and now it is." 

"It's a lot," Henry said, "But, you'll be fine. You were lucky enough to be sorted into the friendliest house. Everyone at this table would be happy to help you. Besides," Henry lowered his voice and leaned in conspiratorially, "If it's old Ferret-Face Burns you're worried about, I've got a few friends who would love nothing better than a chance to give him a bad day." At this, Henry waved to a blond boy and the blonde girl beside him. The girl waved back and the boy just grinned. Both of them seemed innocent, but Radar could see the glimmer of mischief in their eyes a mile away. 

Henry waved at another boy at the Gryffindor table. This one had dark hair and radiated trouble. He winked back at Henry. 

"See, if he messes with you again, he’s gonna have his hands full." Henry assured him. "Their names are Peggy, BJ, and Hawkeye. Tell any one of them and they'll be happy to avenge you." at that, Henry began to dig in to the food that suddenly appeared on the tables.

Radar's eyes grew round as saucers. "Maybe," he thought, "I can do this."


End file.
